“I hate autism” is what I see sometimes while scrolling through my Facebook groups. I’ll admit, I couldn’t possibly imagine dealing with some of the symptoms that come with autism on other levels that Harmonee doesn’t have. Every autistic child is different from the next. It hurts me to see that it affects others lives so much more than it affects mine and I am left speechless at times. “Stay strong mama, you got this” just doesn’t seem like enough but most of the time just hearing that “you are doing a great job” or “you are being a great mom” sets aside those negative thoughts. I have yet to use the words “I hate autism” but there have been times when I would get angry and frustrated with “it“. Before understanding any of it, I have to be honest, I yelled and screamed a lot and even had my own meltdowns. Oh how I wish I could take it all back. The fear in my daughters eyes towards me just crushed my soul and I just couldn’t apologize enough after needing a moment to calm myself down. I wanted to believe so bad that I wasn’t upset with her but more so with “it“. I want to ask “it” so badly, “why do you make it so difficult for my child to use her words; why do you make it so complicated for her to relax; why do you constantly wake her up in the middle of the night; why do you keep her from eating like a normal person; why this or that….just WHY?!” It’s so many things I can get so angry about but there is so much more to it than I imagined. Harmonee may not express emotions very well but she is super affectionate when she wants to be. That shows me, she is learning how to love and care. She is so adventurous and gets easily excited, that shows me that she knows how to live and enjoy life. Even though her communication is delayed that doesn’t stop her from being so smart and influenced by the things she has learned at an age that it is not common to know at. Like most people on the Spectrum, they have great minds like a genius and it is so amazing to watch. I’m so PASSIONATE about my children so much that I lost focus on myself to focus on them. The more I learn about my daughter’s disorder the more I look at how most people can take life for granted. We look at our circumstances and dwell in them and forget the most important things in life outside of our circumstances. I felt like I was a victim of imperfection. Here I am with a child who doesn’t talk like normal toddlers, doesn’t eat right, communicates through crying and screaming etc. Wondering to myself, was it something I did? Is it because of all the years I suffered from ADHD and depression from being terrorized by my peers for being so different. Constantly dwelling on being traumatized at the age of 5 from an incident causing me to go permanently blind in one eye. Taking all kinds of meds to keep my mind off of it all and of what was going on around me. Of course I stopped taking them all after finding out I was 5 weeks pregnant. But since I stopped taking them, were my emotions so high and low that it caused my body to stress during my pregnancy? Were the meds the cause? Were her vaccinations the cause? I stopped wondering how and why and decided to just deal with it. God has a purpose for everything. I am humble because of my flaws. Now I am humble because of my daughter’s flaws. So I’m determined to use what God has given us to be by the side of others. I was lacking support for a long time and still am in some areas but I have been dealing with it long enough to say “we have each other, and that’s all that matters” because who can do this job better than God and ourselves. Absolutely NOBODY.
iAutism for Her
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