You Don’t Know Tired until You have met an Autism Mom

Autism

Sometimes I feel like getting the full hours of sleep I need at night is the only thing that keeps me going through an entire day. But it’s really only 3-4 nights out the week when I’m not woken up in the middle of the night for hours at a time.
Most times it’s very random whether Harmonee has missed a nap, ate a good meal before bed or even had a pretty adventurous day. I would expect those nights to be a long restful uninterrupted nights of sleep but I’m usually wrong. She will wake up, cry, whine, toss and turn, play, laugh or talk to herself, she will even get out the bed sometimes and just be standing there or find something to play with. It can take hours for her to settle back down and go to sleep because her body still wants to move. It’s like she can’t control herself. It’s become so frequently that I literally feel like a zombie most of my day. I’m just moving because it’s all routine and I don’t have to think hard about what I’m doing. When I feel like it’s going to be one of those nights when one ends up waking the other from constantly tossing and turning and then they are both up and restless, I literally just have to sit up in the bed to keep from falling back to sleep while they are still up. I just have to cry sometimes because my life is literally so draining that all I really want, if I’m not able to have anything or do anything else for myself, is some good uninterrupted sleep and half the time I can’t even get that. I’ve tried melatonin, she will wake up after 4-6 hours and will be wide awake like it’s time to get up for the day. No, I don’t usually nap when baby is napping because, during that time I could be working on things (school, designs, shirts etc.), a chore, eating, or just catching up on favorite tv shows and having some “me time”. Not to mention if I take a nap, it’s going to be hard to get to sleep at night. I don’t say much to anyone because most people hear the word “tired” and don’t know the true meaning or feel like they can relate in some way. You may be able to relate because you know what tired FEELS like, but when you have been going on tired for a while you start excluding things out of your life that will not make it any easier. Im constantly fighting the fear of not having enough energy to bathe my kids at night. I feel so out of place and like a bad mother if I don’t, so it almost ALWAYS has to be done. I may skip a night or two when I just absolutely can’t help it. This is the number one reason why I am not ready to go back to work. I would be doing EVERYTHING and I already have enough to handle. Instead, I’ve decided to build a business at home and allow it to be my therapy AND a way to say “I have something for myself”. Yes, I have two kids, but I have other things that’s going on in my life that need management as well, I’m not just a mother. If I could just sit around on a couch all day and do absolutely nothing and just take care of kids I would. I’m not saying my life is the most busiest life ever, but I would love to be a fly on the wall for someone walking a full 24 hours in my shoes, with absolutely no guidance in what to do. This strive I have comes by nature and Prayer and nobody really stays by my side through it all, pushing me through to another day but God.

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